“When my time comes” – about depression and suicide

21.07.2017*

With what’s on the news since yesterday, people are discussing – or voicing opinions – all over the www about depression and suicide, once again. Lots claim the latter is selfish or coward or inconsiderate. Is it, really, though?

Depression is not a choice. It is not cool. And it is not a quirk. It is not an act. It is not being whiny.

You may never guess who has it, from the people around you, while they are around you. You may never find out either, if they will never really trust you or trust that you’d truly care or that you’d understand or try to understand. So, unless it’s something you experience yourself, it’s unlikely you’ll ever really have a clue.

Depression is debilitating. I can’t think of anyone who has it, actually wanting it. It’s not an excuse. It’s not a life choice.

Depression is not what you say YOU feLT that time, if you got over it sooner rather than later. If you get sad as a reaction to something bad that’s happened, that’s not depression, that’s normal, it only means you’re connected to your feelings, which is good for you. And the fact that you did get over it, doesn’t mean that you are stronger or more of a fighter or smarter or more capable or a better human being than the person who can’t. It just means you are fortunate enough not to have depression.

Which doesn’t target people from specific walks of life. It targets anyone. You don’t need to struggle for survival to have it. You can, in the eyes of others, have it all, and also suffer from depression. In fact, think how it may feel when you “have it all” and still feel depressed, how despairing it must feel. You can’t say that “if only I had this, maybe I’d feel a bit better”. You lose all hope that you’ll ever get out of this hole. And living with depression is exhausting.

I can’t think of many people killing themselves because they like death; but rather because they are exhausted by this life and they can’t see any way it could get better. Or they can’t see any way they could feel better. It’s not a way out from responsibilities. I don’t think it even feels like a choice at that point.

I don’t expect to change people’s understanding with this text, not the least because not that many people read it. But even if one hadn’t bothered thinking about it and now will..

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Have a friend or relative who confided in you about it and don’t know how to help? Here’s some DON’Ts and DΟs

Don’t  say “it’s all in your head”.

Don’t say “you seem fine to me, I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you”.

Don’t say “I don’t think you have depression, you are fine”.

Don’t say “have you tried (insert whatever works for you)?”

Don’t say “why don’t you volunteer / go out more often / meet with friends / start a new hobby / etc”. They already know. They want to. They can’t. They already feel guilt. You make them feel worse.

Don’t try to show you sympathise by comparing their permanent state of being to that time you were extremely sad when X happened. It’s not like it. Also, depression isn’t always lying on the floor in tears. It can also be long periods of emptiness. It can take many forms. All of them dragging in time and unpleasant. And debilitating.

Generally, don’t try to discredit what’s been confided in you. And don’t try to offer solutions, as well meaning as you may do it. You treat them like stupid, inadequate and / or slackers, if you think about it. They’ve already thought about all of your suggestions, before you did. They would have followed some or all, weren’t they actually suffering from depression.

So what can you do? It might be hard to care for someone suffering from depression, especially when things get particularly tough, feeling you can’t do anything to help.

Do just be there. Not necessarily as a physical presence, but let them know you care and are available and that you don’t discredit the way they feel.

Do help them find help, if they tell you that they’d like to find some or think about it. Asking for that is a big step on itself.

Do give them space if they need it, but also check from time to time.

Do bug them – but not too much – about meeting up, going out. Even just for a while. It might be hard for them, but if you insist a bit (a lot might feel like too much pressure and go wrong), they might do it for you. And it’s gonna be good for them, for as long an amount of time as they can handle it. Remember those “DON’Ts” if you meet up, though. Try to have a good time, talk about stuff that are pleasant to both of you, don’t bring up aspects of their lives that bring them down, wishing / trying to help, unless they bring them up. On a related note,

Do say hi. Do say I’m happy to see you. Really, don’t say how are you or what have you been up to these days. It’s quite uncomfortable, if you think about it. But the former show that you care about them.

Do talk about you, the way you’d talk with any other friend. They do care about you. They do want to help you if you’ve got problems in your life. They do wanna hear you’re well. You are friends, remember? They do want the best for you. Plus, if the conversation is all about them, they might feel uncomfortable – wouldn’t you?

I guess the bottom line is, you can’t do much, but the little things you can do are really big, even if they don’t feel that way to you.  Just don’t discredit them, don’t treat them like you know better or like they’re dumb.  Let them know that you care, be there, try mildly to get them out of the house, listen to them, talk about yourself. Be normal, they are normal; and caring, they care about you too.

Finally, don’t treat the psychiatrist as a taboo, inside, and take my text as a starting point to look for more valid sources on the subject. I am not a valid source. Valid sources are National Health Services, medical associations, scientific journals and official organisations and authorities in general.

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* Το έγραψα πριν από 2 χρόνια, με αφορμή την αυτοκτονία του Chester Bennington των Linkin Park, σκοπεύοντας πρώτα να το μεταφράσω στα Ελληνικά και μετά να το αναρτήσω. Είπα εν όψει της Παγκόσμιας Ημέρας Ψυχικής Υγείας στις 10 Οκτωβρίου, που φέτος εστιάζει στην πρόληψη της αυτοκτονίας, να το δημοσιεύσω ως έχει – στα Αγγλικά – και αν ποτέ το μεταφράσω, προσθέτω εδώ το κείμενο σε δεύτερο χρόνο.

Ι wrote this 2 years ago, driven by Linkin Park's Chester Bennington's suicide, meaning to first translate it into Greek and then post it. I thought, on occasion of World Mental Health Day on October 10, which this year focuses on suicide prevention, to publish it as it is – in English – and if I ever translate it, I’ll add here the text at some later time.